The Trade That Ruined Christmas

“Whoa….no way!  You ACTUALLY got me an…an iPud?”

“Oh wow, I can’t believe you got me an…HBox?”
“Oh my God, how did you know!?!  I was hoping you’d get me a…a Dwindle?”
That was pretty much what it was like hearing about Hendry’s latest ear behind your ear, lame off-season trick in dealing Milton Bradley….clubhouse morale disaster and overall unproductive knucklehead…for the one and only, difference making, crown jewel, diamond in the rough, what we’ve all been hoping since our final out of ’09…the one name tossed around we’d hoped we’d get in a trade for Bradley….ladies and gentleman…ooh, look under the tree….this one says “To Cubs Fans…Love, Hendry”….open it!  Open it!
“Oh my God, you shouldn’t have!   I can’t believe you got us…you got us Carlos Silva?!?”
You shouldn’t have.
Don’t get me wrong.  I appreciate you not giving me coal or an ugly reindeer sweater, but seriously Hendry.  Seriously, you shouldn’t have.  Carlos Silva?!?!??!!?  Are you kidding me?!  This is the best you can do?  You go all the way to the American League.  All the way to Seattle to find us the perfect gift.  Something that would blow my mind, something I would love and treasure always…and you bring back Carlos Silva?  Are you trying to ruin Christmas?  Because you’ve succeeded.  Way to go.  Why not just trip Grandpa and break his new hip or bring up the one thing that will get everyone riled up and arguing at the dinner table while you’re at it?  Come on Hendry!  THINK!
I understand the Bradley you had wrapped and ready to give us, wasn’t going to make anyone very happy, but you don’t talk about possibly giving a Bradley and then go out and get a Silva in exchange.  That’s just cruel.  Thanks a lot Hendry.  Thanks for nothing.  Thanks for delivering something we already have.  No really, this is perfect.  I’ll just put it over here with the others.  You didn’t happen to get a gift receipt did ya?  I’m sure there’s something else Seattle has that I’d like in exchange.  Oh, no?  No gift receipt huh?  Done deal?  Great.  No, great, GREAT!  I love it.  I don’t hate it at all.  I don’t completely hate the gift that you thought would be so great.  I don’t think you wasted your time completely or given Cubs fans the worst gift ever.  Thanks for taking very little and turning it into nothing.  
Carlos Silva?  CARLOS flippin’ SILVA?!?  It’s like you didn’t even try.  
You know what….go.  Just go.  Put down the nog.  And go.  Merry Christmas.  Hope you enjoy all the money and merchandise profits we all gave you this year while you come in here with your fancy wrapping paper wasted on a used Carlos Silva.  Unbelievable.  
God help us….everyone.  Go Cubs Go!